Behaviour
The Vanesquatch is an unpredictable beast prone to unexplained bursts of crying. While she attempts to eat healthy, she has been known to devour an entire bag of Crispers in one sitting. This Crispers binge was followed by the aforementioned bursts of crying and then by a slobbery lament that she was a terrible mother to her unborn child.
The Vanesquatch is driven by compulsion to complete unfinished tasks around the house to ensure her house is well organized by the time her offspring arrives. The compulsion to complete these unfinished tasks is at times stronger than others. Anyone who stands in the Vanesquatch's way while she is cleaning or organizing should remove themselves from the area immediately or risk imminent death.
The Vanesquatch also requires frequent trips to the bathroom, so it is best that one maintains a clear pathway to the toilet at all times.
Use extreme caution when interacting with the Vanesquatch - she is hormonal and very dangerous. Keep children away from Vanesquatch, it is feared she may smother small ones as she increases exponentially in size.
Habitat
The Vanesquatch can be found mainly in her own home nesting and preparing for her next offspring. Though these sightings have not been confirmed, there are reports that Vanesquatch also frequents WalMart, Dollarama and yarn stores.
Food and Hunting
The Vanesquatch enjoys her food. Do not stand in the way of her food and don't you DARE eat her food. If you eat her food, she'll hunt you down.
It's that simple.
Comparisons
While she has a human-like appearance, her frequent pregnancies have left the Vanesquatch with the nickname "The Perpetual Elephant". During her final months of gestation, her mate often compares Vanesquatch's appearance to that of a marshmallow on toothpicks. This comparison is usually met with uncontrollable sobbing; however, it is predicted that soon Vanesquatch will feed on her mate considering his part in the breeding process is now complete and he is no longer of use to her.
A recent sighting of the Vanesquatch in her natural habitat. It would appear she is about 4 1/2 months pregnant. Approach with EXTREME caution.
5 comments:
way too cute Vanessa!
Oh, my. Remind me to close the blinds and bolt the doors. I think there has been sightings near our house.
Did I ever tell you about the exponential consumption of dropjes I succumbed to just after giving birth to you? I swear it went straight through my milk and maybe that explains some of this Vanesquatch phenomena.
One of the more redeeming charactaristics of the Vanesquatch is that she approaches life with humor.
I enjoy this about her...from a distance. :)
HAHAHAHA!!!!! You are such a great writer- you have a fantastic ability to turn your stories (which if I worte them would be far more boring) into humorous, creative works of art! You have a very unique and wonderful way of looking at the world!
Hey, that could be a certain MIL on a bad day. Hormones. They give us all a great excuse to behave badly.
If you suddenly feel the need to gallop off into the woods and fields, drop that sweet babysquatch off at grandma town's house.
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